Little bit me

You know….., if God give me this time and opportunity to get to know you, I am very thankful. It’s was 2 weeks of magic moment, and this 3 months of happiness. There are always happy things, if it’s related to you. Smile seems never go away from my face.

It’s a HOPE, a hope of having someone to be love and being love in return. Especially someone like you, who I felt somehow very comfortable to be with as if I know you for long long time ago. The warm feeling that I have if I am talking to you, or just to see you. You so called my vitamin, Vitamin I…….

But somehow, I lied with my self. That’s the hope is never there. Even from the first time you say “Hi”. I already know. But I create a hope. I put my own expectation that someday there will be you and me. And put a lot of effort, any kind of way, to make an opportunity to chat with you, make up stories to be closed to you, even to waste my time for nothing. Wait for midnight to come, just to be with you for only 5 minutes ride. It’s only for couple of sentences, and a moment to see your face. I try hard to mingle with people who I barely know just because they are your friends. When I saw that a green bullet of your name appears, I can’t help it not to say hello to you. I blow news through your friends, so you know that I was sick. I said hyperbolic things about me just to get your response, something that I want to hear. I make jokes; make my self fool and funny, to make you interested to me. And talk a lot about my personal life so you can trust me to tell yours.

So then I have your trust, to tell me the truth, the mystery of your relationship with those girls. I can not lie anymore. The only truth that I don’t wanna hear finally comes out.

                        ***

                              ……………………….

I said                      are the love is still there?  With your ex girlfriend?

He said                  mmm… yes still, that’s why now we’re closed again.

                        ……………….

                        ***

Well, what can I say? I will fight for you if you just only close with her that you called “a gud3x friend of mine”. I have my confident. But I don’t have any strength to fight for the love that you already gave someone for almost a decade. Who am I anyway? I don’t even know how to love someone even for a day.

Now, I try to tell my self to stop. “Stop trying…..Girl! It won’t end up anywhere. The longest you know him the more you’re going to hurt. Stop now, before it’s too late. Before you already spend your time, waste your concentration and emotion. You’d better save your energy for the only thing you have, your job. You already knew the answer anyway. You’re just a stranger who becomes friend!”.

“Yes , I know”

Even though I felt a lot of sign for the first time we chat, dreaming about you which then become reality, and the feeling that I know we can not lie, we like each other.

But then again you’ve made your decision; it’s time I made mine. And I know the hardest part to let you go is fighting my will to chat with you……, to see you……., to hear you…….. Let it be my own misery.

It’s the end of your short journey through my life path. Let me say goodbye even if you don’t know what the real meaning is. It won’t be easy for me, coz I can not be your best friends if the hope to have your love still there. So good bye dear, you are the most beautiful thing that the force of momentum gave me.

******

…………

I said                      hey

He said                  yes

I said                      I was thinking….

He said                  what?

I said                      If I am leaving

He said                  yah

I said                      one thing that I will miss from this place

He said                  ya?

I said                      is chatting with u

He said                  waaah… senangnyaaaaa

He said                  me too

……………..

I said                      So, goodbye in advance ya

I said                      sorry if I say bad things sometimes

I said                      sayin you’re old.

I said                      hi hi hi

He said                  ahahaha

……………..

I said                      ya basically people have their own time for other people

I said                      some long, some short

He said                  iya

I said                      yeah we’re going to forget each other anyway

He said                  No, I won’t

He said                 You are the one and only a stranger in my life who knows my true story

He said                  but now u’re not a stranger anymore

He said                  u’re a good friend of mine

……………..

I said                      eh once again ya

I said                      in advance

He said                  what?

I said                      Good bye,

I said                      It’s very nice to know you

I said                      Thanks for everything

He said                  i’m gonna miss you girl, nice to know you too

……………

I said                      hey,

I said                      those goodbye also for……mmm

He said                  yah

I said                      If there is something happen to me

I said                      not only leaving

I said                      ok

He said                  same, if that is also happen to me… sorry for everything, n its a gift to know you……

******

I never heard this song Cinta from Vina Panduwinata as sad as this moment………

I wrote this story on my aunt coach, March 2, 2007.

Just like Doraemon’s magic door, on the first step you’ve landed in a reality world, erased the whole story of dream you built.

Like the scene I have to watch today, (I’ve already watched it a couple of time, actually), but still I could not believe I have to…..no, I must accept that I build a dream based on opposite reality.

So what’s the point to have a dream?

Btw, I accept it as a part of your doubtful existence.

I really miss those times when I don’t have to think much.

When life feels easy,

When age countless,

When future is not important,

Live & love free…

I ask my family, friends, and people surrounds me about me became 25. And this is what they said:

My Sis said: "Wah udah tua ya!"    (awas gak tak traktir lho!)

My Brother said: "Kakak, traktir donk….."  (mo dimana?)

My mother said: "Dulu mama waktu umur 25 ngelahirin kamu lho!"  (love you mom)

My Father said: "Mau hadiah apa, Astri?"   (apa aja deh pa.)

My cousins said: "Jangan ngejer karir terus lho, inget cari suami yang baek dan mapan" (oke deh kaka)

My friend said: "Inget lho bal, time clicking tik…tik…" (dhuaaar)

My senior said: "Wah usia yang ceria sekali!"  (hihihi maksud lo?)

My other friend said: "Welcome to quarter life crisis gal!"   (please don’t remind me deh)

My grandpa said: "Udah kelas berapa sekarang?"     (lho??!!!!##@#)

My friends who has the same birthday with me said: "Enggak jomblo perak kan lo?  (Kurang ajarrr grrrr) 

My client said: "Masa siy 25? Saya kira kamu masih 19 lho!"  (hihihihi tertawa gembira)

The guy who got crushed on me said: "Wah cocok donk kita"   (yeee mo g umur berapa juga pasti comment-nya sama)

The guy that I like said: "….may God hear all of your wish n may u have a beautiful life…"  (huhuhu  mo dia bilang apa juga g pasti ber-huhuhu)

I said: "Thank you God, for giving me this life, I could have not ask for more"

Whenever you give me the looked & the gazed

Whenever you give me the first “hi”

Whenever you give me the first laugh because of the silly joke

Whenever you give me the first call

Whenever you give me the happiest time at the end of the year

Or whenever you start to open your heart…….

Then, whenever it should be taken away

By that time I could only say….

“Thanks, for everything ;)”

I realize recently, one of the hardest parts in life is loosing.

It could be something,

It could be someone,

It could be hope.

When loosing all of those at the same time,

I can’t help not to be angry with my self,

Analyzing every caused, 

Starting to regret,

Wanting to change everything taht already past,

And made promise to my self,

"I will get them back"

Haunted my mind like a scars,

Felt hurt every time remember it.

Now,

The scars are almost completely cured.

Finally found medicine that I’m looking for

……..Accept and let go…….

Not as complicated as I thought.

But not as simple as I think I could do.

Lately,

When a hope to have something and someone which brings excitement and happiness has came to me,

I am afraid it’s time to prepare my self,

To let go again……..

Grateful Memories

If only time would stop, and I can turn back the moment

I would do anything…..to be here forever….

Memories….memories…..memories….

We are the concert of memories.

When every smiles count,

And all the dream matters

When each laughs, and every tear means nothing but joy

Concert of many hearts…which beats as one….

Let our melody of love would never forgotten…

For its harmony is already the soul of my life…

Let the chant of our devotion last forever…

For its friendship, is the destiny which I always longing for…

Grateful….grateful…grateful…

It is you, who made it so beautiful…

You made our life, now, more colorful…

And enlighten our soul to be more wonderful….

For all the moment we have shared,

For all the honesty, by with you make us see…

For all the fun you brought to our life…

For all the false that you made it right…

For every dream you made come true..

For all the love we found in you…

We’ll be forever thankful,

For thankful is the only word we could spell…

Grateful memories…..Grateful memories….

The song of my heart chant grateful memories…

Not as the end, life has just begin…

Sorrow not the days, for your pledge will live through my ways…

Cry not the misery, for your words will fall the agony,

It is you…and will always be you….Tante Ellen….

With love,

UBW 2003-ers.

I found this poet in the pieces of old paper when I did the “clean out” in my room. Suddenly, all the memories came up again like a slide show, and after 3 years….yes I am very grateful become a part of the memories. To meet 29 special people although only some of them who still keep in touch with each other until now. To meet wicked funny guys, smart girls, and to be inspired by them. It was the most memorable week of my life. Last but not least to meet tante Ellen who make all happened.

Sad….. sad……sad……

Hurt……it’s bleeding.

Angry, very angry…..

But to whom I should be?

Heaven is on her foot.

Ignore….keep ignore…..

So you will forget,

Then you can forgive.

A couple days a go I’ve met my friends from high school.

Gosh 6 years since we graduated. Time flies.

They said 6 years in Jakarta didn’t change me. I am still the women with the iron heart (sounds cool to me) as I was in high school. Just because I am 24 with money in my bank account and I don’t have boyfriend and still far away from any kind of relationship. And whatsoever talk that I don’t really understand my self.

Not like I really care with what people said, but I think 6 years make people changes. And not having “boy friend” is not the parameter. And why is in this world people think that having those kind relationship is the most important things in life? Where that shallow thinking comes from?

So I look back and analyze my life so I come with the answers, what I have been through for these 6 years.

1. FEUI and the “asrama”. I called the “the door”. Since I walk through that door, I lived again. Every people that I meet add a colour in my life. Every relationship that I had contains so much love. Greater than man and women relation ship which I think more selfish.
2. Mba Indri, somehow through her I revealed something that I hide so deep and I don’t realize so many anger that I had and I still have. And how I am struggling to face it. And tell her all my stories make me relief. And she can understand coz she felt the same problem. I really thank her for this.
3. The moment. When you’re alone. Independent, stand up with your own feet. To survive. I am lucky to feel those in my early age.
4. Girl friends. My arisan group (loly, wuri, sani), My PwCers Leny, Olin, Lisa, My having fun team, nany, yanti, meli, phenky, ayep, sao, ly, and other who I can mentioned one by one. It’s a heart to heart relationship gals.
5. PwC who give me (so far) all the taste. The most depressed time, the most happy time, the most wicked friends, the many places to visits, every first time, the money, the experience, the school of life.
6. UBW 2003. One week of the memorable time.
7. And the love himself that I’ve met during those years. It is finding its way.

All those make me changes. And don’t need people who barely know me to make any judgment. So far my life is rich and I will achieve what I want to achieve, I learn what I have to learn, become what I want to be.

First, felt a sign……

Then, met and felt……

Next, thought I’ve found….

It turns to be wrong ….

Somebody else…..

Time …..forget……

Now, realise….

….the most …. ‘ve ever want in life….

Try, and try …..not brave enough….

Think and dream …..obsession…..

…..hope…..pray…..

Keep faith……

Wake up……

next,……..